What to Say When Your Child Wants Their Other Parent

You have made dinner, found the favourite pyjamas and sat down for a story. Then your child cries, ‘I want Mum,’ or ‘I want Dad.’ It can sting, particularly when you are tired or adjusting to separation yourself.

Often, a young child is saying that someone is missing, not ranking their parents. They may also be asking for a familiar way of being comforted. You can respond to that need without defending yourself or making the feeling disappear.

Name the longing without arguing

Try a short response:

• ‘You really miss Dad tonight.’
• ‘You wish Mum were here. I hear you.’
• ‘You can miss her and still be here with me.’

Pause after speaking. Your child may want a cuddle, quiet company or simply the chance to cry. Ask before offering touch if they seem to want space.

Avoid adding ‘but we’re having a lovely time.’ That can turn reassurance into a reason they should feel differently. Enjoying your company and missing their other parent can happen together.

Give the next clear piece of information

If the plan is confirmed, explain when they will next see the other parent in language they understand: ‘Dad will collect you after nursery tomorrow.’

A simple picture calendar may help. For some children, ‘two sleeps’ is useful; others need a sequence of familiar events instead.

If you do not know the answer, be honest: ‘I don’t know when the next visit will be. I will tell you when the grown-ups have made the plan.’ Do not promise an immediate trip or call just to stop the tears.

Offer a small way to stay connected

Where contact is safe and agreed, a brief call or voice message may help. Notice how your child responds: some settle afterwards, while others find ending the call difficult. Adjust the timing with the other parent if possible.

Connection does not have to happen immediately. Your child might draw a picture, keep a photo nearby or choose something to tell the other parent later.

A familiar toy and a predictable evening routine can also help them feel anchored where they are now. Offer one or two options rather than a long list of ways to feel better.

Keep your hurt with the adults

Avoid ‘Am I not good enough?’ or ‘After everything I’ve done for you?’ A young child should not have to comfort you for missing someone else.

If the words catch you off guard, take a breath before answering. Later, talk to a trusted adult about your own feelings, outside your child’s hearing.

If the absent parent is unsafe or contact is restricted, acknowledge the longing without arranging contact against advice: ‘You miss him. The grown-ups are working on safe plans. I am here with you.’ Missing someone does not make a protective boundary wrong.

When to seek professional help

Ask a child health professional or qualified child psychologist for support if longing becomes persistent distress, disrupts everyday life or includes repeated fears that a parent will disappear. Seek advice sooner for strong avoidance, frightening disclosures or safety concerns. If there is immediate danger, use local emergency or safeguarding services rather than waiting for the feelings to ease.